Hey welcome back to the podcast i am so excited about. Today i have the legend john john joleef, also known as we were just talking about this a minute ago. John, is a legendary therapist. Let me give you another story: yeah.

Okay, i'm gon na give a new therapy story, probably about two minutes a lady. It's not always lady calls me from germany, so i'm i'm in six states and eight foreign countries every week by cell phone. Okay. Lady calls me from germany says: i have a terrifying fear of spiders and bugs, and i'm debilitated i hear her husband in the back saying: you've got to help her.

She can't function yeah i said well, i think i can help you. She goes well good, we'll be over, go over! No! No! No! No! You don't have to come from germany to newport beach. We can do this over the philippines over the phone. It's an information transfer.

We don't need you right, yeah, they come over yeah, so they stay at the balboa bay club and the next morning you come and see me. She said her husband says she did it again. There was a spider in the sink and she had to kill it before she came to bed with me, she's terrified of spiders and bugs. I said, okay, tell me about your family of origin, birthplace of attitudes and expectations.

Okay, she said well, my mother and father were married, so we had an intact family. My sister was four years older than i we shared a bedroom, but not a bed and many times she go out in the night and go in the garden, get spiders and bugs and lay them in my bed. So when i woke up in the morning there they were yeah, and so i said because i'm a student right, i'm being a therapist, not a counselor. I said.

Oh, so you don't have a problem with spiders and bugs have a problem with your sister. Why is she doing this kind of thing? You probably couldn't trust your own boyfriends or sharp objects right. What is wrong with your sister, i said: hey here's, a potential healing question tonight when you go to bed with your husband. Ask yourself this question: can i tell the difference between my husband and my sister? I knew you were going there and if you had two sisters, could you tell the difference between the one who does this and the one who doesn't yeah your basic problem? Is differentiation right, you're, generalizing, you're, not differentiating between customers, clients, partners, people right and that's what you need? How do you now that's about two minutes right, but that's now, i'm feeling for 48.

yeah. What kind of car do you drive? Have you ever been to hawaii? Yes, while you're here make sure you go to the compost over it, so so there is that transfer of knowledge. No doubt and - and i am a maybe it's because john just the way you know you know about my background and where you know where i was raised and some of the crazy people that i ran with um. I learned for me that there was information that was coming in, but the processor, the beliefs, the attitudes, the story.

I told myself, the processor could hear the information, but if it wasn't aligned with the current processor it didn't get in, it was like. I was running microsoft dos you had there so windows 94 and there was an upgrade, but the upgrade was just not penetrating. How do we help the person who has that that processor, because it shows up for some of my clients, like i know i should go to the gym? I know i should make my phone calls. I know like i know it, but something about the processor's off and that's why we need to talk.

That's why we need to talk. You need to tell me what you think. I love your question. What do you think the issue is, if you, if you're, really honest with yourself, what do you think it is um? I think they're gon na take you in yeah in directions right that you would never think to go.

I've heard it all, maybe not all, but i've heard a lot. I've heard my brother beat me with the phone. That's why i can't make phone calls. I was like how old were you because the guy was like 55, when i was having the conversation with him, and i was like tell me more about that.

Oh, he just remembered the old phone with the wire and he would swing it around and smack me and i'm like, and he got really descriptive when his he was four and his brother was like six yeah and i was like that's why you don't make phone Calls like, like i didn't know, i didn't know where to go with that, but you know i would love i'd love to have somebody call us, oh my god, with one of those okay who's out there, that is afraid of making phone calls. We have to talk to you. We had his brother or her sister. Yes, so we, let's, let's just see who is out there - are we able to ask questions so connor, yes, you're able to ask questions and you're able to come.

Live i'm just looking really fast. We've got a lot of things lining up here. Let's just see if we can find somebody, john just for fun, i'm gon na go. I think that's the most recent one.

Let's see and yes you're still able to ask questions, you can even type it connor in here and i could ask the question of john yeah, but we got somebody here who has their screen up? They just turned it on, but the camera is not on themselves. Yes, we are doing a live, show uh, so whoever you are out there, i'm going to try and kill that the option. Oh, i just killed the entire show. If i did that so nope all right.

Well, we'll just keep you jamming so so john! So here's the time in my life when i was afraid to make phone calls yeah talk to me uh. Well it so again, it's always appealing the onion yeah. It's never what it seems to be right. It's always underneath the story behind the story.

Yeah, it's the dynamics, not the story, i'm going to tell you. You have never ever been afraid of making phone calls. That's the truth. Yeah.

Now this other story, you're telling yourself is not okay, the truth is you've, never been afraid of making phone calls the no. No, the the myth is you've been afraid of making phone calls. The truth is you're afraid of making phone calls that other people answer okay, you're, not afraid of making calls you're afraid that people will answer the calls sure and then what's going to happen when they answer the call they're going to ask questions they're going to have Problems they're going to be challenged by certain things, you're going to be inadequate to answer it's going to overwhelm you you're, going to embarrass yourself on the phone call, and so rather than admit that you're just not confident to make the to have the call made and Have this interaction yeah, rather than really identify that you lay it on i'm afraid of making calls. So that's a lot to unpack for people, so where do they go from there like? Okay? So it's always it's not this! It's that! That's that, but if i'm afraid of of the rejection or the loss or not looking good or what are people gon na say about me, they're going to be afraid that i'm groveling for business and or they're going to think i don't have any money.

So i would say that right they have all these likes. Give me a question you're afraid to have asked. Give me a question. You would be afraid that if you made the phone call, they might ask you that you don't know there.

Okay, so that's a whole other one, which is how's the market right and uh, and what's going to happen to the future of real estate right. This is the question that it's only a lot of consumers the agent's like. Well, i don't know, i don't even know. Okay, let me get to the dynamic of that thing.

I'm talking about, and i got questions here. There is a myth. There is a myth that some people have more confidence than other people, whether it's phone calls personal appearance listings whatever it is right. Some people think that other people have more self-confidence and they just wish they had the self-confidence that they see in other people.

Yeah, that's a myth. All people has have as much self-confidence as everybody else. That's the truth. The truth is, everybody has as much confidence as everybody else.

There's two types, there's negative self-confidence and positive self-confidence. The negative self-confidence is, i'm afraid, to make the phone call, i'm afraid to ask her out for a date, i'm afraid, i'm afraid or afraid, they're very confident that it's not going to work out or to have positive self-confidence and say well. Why not? It's a numbers game i'll, make a call it may work, it may not be yeah. That's the end of the world, they're confident either way everybody has as much self-confidence as everybody else.

So the question is: where does your negative self-confidence come from you're so confident that it's not going to work? It's broken, it won't fly yeah and that has to do with a reference point. Reference points are the things that help us explain why things don't work? We have a reference point and i'll get into that in just a moment. I think we've got a call but i'll get into the reference points that can be problematic. So there's two questions, brian that are actually in the.

If you look at the question mark give us what actually send me the phone i'm gon na. Go that way. It's flipped. Are we able to bill your staff they're taking notes? Of course they are okay.

So listen to these listen to these two questions so um. So one person asked - and i i don't know how to say this person's name. It looks like biatra zokol. Why, in most marriages, people lose spark and don't want to have sex can? Can we can't? I don't know if we can get her, it's uh it's.

She was there and she just she gave us the sort of written yeah. It doesn't help it doesn't help because because she has the answer. So what's the question again, the question is: why is it uh? In most marriages, people lose the spark and then don't want to have sex, and so i would never answer that question right. I would say to her: when did you lose the spark yeah? Why do you think you lost the spark right? You know what she's going to tell me she's going to say two things.

First thing: she's going to say is, i don't know yeah and in my radio show i never let people say that yeah you, you do know yeah give me your suspicion right make it up. Give me that give me give me something: okay, she knows what happened with that spark in her yeah and that's the story. I want to hear right because then we can help her find it or make a decision about it. Are you going to live without a spark? Is it him? Is it you right? It's it's a person.

What's the story in your head right, i see, i jokingly say like i try and make people laugh, as you know like when you're doing an event like you're speaking for six hours. I don't think you try. I know i yeah yeah yeah. I mean i have my little comedic moments, but i would say to people uh, you know like right now.

This is the time of the year everyone's working on you know, personal professional development. What are my goals for 2022 business life relationships and i'll jokingly, say? You know how many of you are just having a lot of hallway sex right now and the audience would kind of look at me like you know you walk past each other and go screw you in the hallway. Like that's all you got. What are you gon na do about that? Like that's always one of the questions i have for people, that's that's kind of what i hear you're asking so so you got to unpack.

Where did the origin of the spark begin right or the lack of the spark being? Is that the answer? But what do you do when you discover it? You say? Oh, my god, like she did this. There was a history. There was a moment and we both felt weird and it was awkward and uh. There's a history to that and that's why we can only speculate, but she knows she knows we're speculating yeah.

Let me tell you another story: yeah, okay. So in my first career i was a tour guide for the national geographic society, so i traveled you guys. Couldn't imagine that. Could you what was that i said they couldn't imagine that you really tried for the national geographic society.

So i so i traveled you know. 300 days a year we went to some very dicey places. One time we were in the western jaya but papua new guinea. We were studying cannibals, okay and uh.

Whenever i would go to a village or wherever i would stay. I would i was in the camera and i would set up base camp i'd. Get camels they'd get the helicopters to canoes whatever was set up tent, and so then i would have to wait for them to get the picture of the bird and sometimes it would be a month yeah. So i'm living in this this place, and so i always said to the my native speaker: i want to help i want to hunt, i want to vet, i want to cut wood.

I want to do something just put me to work right and uh this one time in western jaya. I waited for about a week or two and finally, one day the chief of the village came along with my native speaker and they asked me to come out with my little hut and they said i want you to point the way to the future. I want to, i want you to point to the way to the future, so i went there yeah and they said point to the way of the past. I went there and they mumbled in their native language, walked off.

I never saw the chief again and i never was asked to help so about two days later. My native speaker comes back and says i said i felt like there was a test and i don't think i passed he said yeah you didn't pass. I said, what's so complicated about pointing that way for the future in front of me and behind me for the past he says indigenous people at least the the western giants we can see the past through our music and our dance and our art. So our past is right in front of us directly in front, but the future we can't see so it's behind us and the chief thought, if you don't know your directions.

How could you be helpful, interesting, and i think he was right right, and so what that taught me back in 1970? What that taught me is that my western education may have been faulty is that i had a great deal of confidence about everything, because they teach you to be confident pass the test and you're confident right, graduated, confident, yeah and i was very confident. But i was confidently wrong and so when somebody says something to me whether it's about sparks or it's about one thing or the other, i always think that i don't know yet what the issue is. I've even developed the comment that if you answer a question, you don't understand the question. I never answer first questions.

So when someone says to me, did you go to stanford or harvard? I am never going to answer that question yeah because i know there's a question behind that. They don't have enough confidence to ask trying to ask yeah. So i reframe the questions that i'm not comfortable asking, and i said i think what you're asking me is. Am i professionally trained and competent to help the people you refer to me and they look at me and go yeah.

Didn't i just ask you that, but had i answered the first question no yeah yeah, then i'm really answering the second question. I'm not very competent! Yeah, but isn't even that like so you have to understand that you got to be. You got to go slow enough, yeah be a student enough yeah, i love uh. I love asking um like tell me why, like, why are you like? I just helped me understand like what are you really trying to ask? It just depends upon my level of rapport with the individual, but i'm a little more direct like i don't want to make that i almost felt like it might have been an assumption.

Are you asking because you're you know you're fearful that i might not have the qualifications that what if they were just like? No, i just i love stanford grounds. You know like there there's just so many variables. Well, yeah yeah you can. You can have a long conversation with a why yeah, yes yeah it gets back.

To my point i think i was making. Did i make it earlier we off here when i made it, you were saying: let's just do some q and i today, oh you know. Q and a q, a let's - do some q a yeah yeah, and i said i don't do q a yeah yeah. Is it what i said because i don't believe in answers? I don't believe in answers and i don't believe in solutions.

That's got to be hard for some people to hear right now. He also doesn't believe in love, but that's i'm. I was saving that one for later yeah yeah start first with, i believe in love, but not as you know, yes, but yeah, okay, so so, and we'll come right back from the break and we'll discuss more. Why john doesn't believe in love? Yeah yeah like a little yes, so so uh an answer.

If you really think about it, an answer is, is complete understanding and who's so arrogant to think they completely understand anything yeah. Yes, that's what an answer is. Yes, a solution is a cousin to an answer and if you have an answer and a solution, why do we need to collaborate? Yeah yeah, see so john. But i do it's interesting because you know i thought about this conversation we had and i probably answered six or seven thousand questions um.

You know online and like instagram, like hey, got ta quit i'm on an airplane. You know me, i just wan na help, like i wan na contribute now the questions that i'm getting are they're really for everybody. Listening they're, really the same seven or eight questions just in different variations, different parts of the country, different parts of the world. But you know how do i make more phone calls? How do i get more listings? How do i take my business from 30 to 300 transactions a year they're they they're.

I don't want to call it mechanical in nature, but i think, most of the time most of the time they're just looking for validation of what they already know they should do so. Am i wrong in answering those questions yeah, but the validation when it comes from somebody else is not going to be that helpful okay. So i did. I do group therapy, and one of my stories is that do you know why men like younger women? It's because their stories are shorter and i i'm an old man and i've got a lot of stories.

So i'm going to be telling stories all the time, but i'm so i have a story. Yes, yes, i have a story in group therapy yeah there. I put this woman in the center yeah and i put a trash. Can a metal trash can between her legs and i laid on the ground, and i had everybody in the group come and give her an affirmation in the ear whisper, a affirmation, a compliment, encouragement and every time they did it.

I hit the trash, can yeah created like an anchor, i have to crash. So let me come up yep yep and she says what are you doing down there? I said well everybody's, giving you these wonderful affirmations and it's falling right out of your ass and i'm catching it yes, and so what you really need is a cork yeah, because every day for so many of us every day is a new day, there's no residual Memory from yesterday there's accomplishment we overcame something, but we need to be affirmed all the time from other people. It doesn't stick. So there's no.

Is that like back to the processor? Well, yes, it is that's right. So let me another story. Sorry so there's an old uh question: i don't know if it's a buddhist question or like you've heard it many times. If there's a tree that falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it doesn't make a sound.

Of course it does the life's animated. It goes on without us right, but the better question is: if you accomplish something of value and worth and there's no other voice than yours to affirm you is that enough, yeah and the answer is, it must be, it has to be so when we go out To get affirmations and compliments from other people, they don't stick like the ones. We know the truth right. We know how hard something was or how easy it was.

Why are we exporting that to somebody else? That just makes me want to go in like five different directions. Um like that was. That was a moment for me. Just just hearing you say that because so often we look for external validation of ideas, principles, actions results, you know, am i successful, am i winning you know.

Is the car fast enough? Am i healthy enough on and on and on, and i think everyone listening can. Can relate to that we all can um. How do you, how do you move from the external to the internal get a cork? Well, i i get it like a wine court or whatever that cork, where my pants and how big it is yeah, so you but you've got to retain this yeah. It's what you think, not what the world thinks.

You know how easy or difficult things are. Let's go back to reference points, because this is that process yeah and whether it comes from the family of origin or comes from certain life experiences where we, maybe we didn't do our best or we failed. It becomes a reference point yeah. These reference points give us negative self-confidence, they inhibit us, they restrain us uh and so reference points you might have been divorced or maybe you were molested or maybe you were abused or maybe you were neglected or maybe you were maybe or or maybe you maybe yeah.

Okay, if you don't heal that, if you don't talk that through, if you don't understand the significance of that, then that will become a reference point that you will filter everything through. For instance, a lot of things happen to us when we're little a lot of stuff and we don't have enough life experience or wisdom to properly conclude, but conclude, we do anyway and those conclusions when their faults, those false conclusions, live in our life as confusion, and So we become now adults who are confused about a number of things and it's tied to the the conclusion the false conclusion. So what i say now is with your life experience and your wisdom: let's go back and re-conclude. Let's go re-conclude that false conclusion: let's close the loop on these things closely, true or false, okay worked or didn't.

So i'm going to tell you a story. Am i making it that simple say that again, am i making it that simple? Is it just? Was that true close? Did this actually happen? Did it not? I called my mom get this. I i was driving through the orange circle. Yep had dropped my son off at chapman university heading down whatever that glaselle street, whatever it is going through the circle, and i said to my wife, i said my mom used to live above felix's restaurant she's like yeah.

You told me that story before and i'm like, we should call her really fast. I call my mom and i'm like hey mom, i'm like i'm right above your apartment. She goes. What are you talking about? I go at felix's restaurant like in the orange circle like right above it she goes tom.

I live four blocks from there. I was like mom. I have walked around for 40 plus years, believing that you lived she's like i don't even know. If there is an apartment up there, but like that's a simple story, metaphorical story, not metaphors happened but um, but we have these other stories that you know my parents felt this way or i was never enough.

Like you hear all the i don't want to say it: it's cliche, because it's real for people, i'm not smart enough! Well, you're, here, you're looking enough, so somebody said to me true or false. Somebody said to me the other day: i'm not good enough. I said you're aware: that's an incomplete sentence yeah and what yeah i'm not good enough to boil water, i'm not going what i'm not good enough to get my brother to school when they assign me to take him to school, yeah yeah! You know there's a lot of things: you're inadequate, there's a lot of things: you're, not good enough yeah, because it's not your job right right, anything we're doing this, isn't our job we're going to be inadequate. We take on too much, but that's back in that history.

Yeah right, i remember uh years ago, my older brother and i we would be out traveling doing events and like one of the things we love to ask, was just you're saying with a bunch of people and you're. Like tell me one thing in your life that you believed to be true, but if it wasn't, you would be an entirely different person just to watch how you know. I guess you know like and just to watch people process and you'd. Ask it a bunch of different ways like or what's that one thing you're holding on to as true or real that if you just took it off like a jacket, you might be fair to go.

Do something else? Well, that's that's you know, that's that's the question. If you couldn't fail, what would you try to accomplish, but that's a reference, but what you're talking about is that conclusion is a confusion and it was reached very early on, so we have to go back and kind of re-reconclude. Let me let me give you. Let me give you an example, and this is from my life - and you may know this about me or not.

I don't know, i tell the story not because i'm in pain. I tell the story as an illustration, so i was orphaned as child. I grew up in an orphanage. I then was taken out three different times.

Had my name changed and taken back to the orphanage it didn't work out and the last family took me out. They named me, john edward. I went in at three months of age to the orphanage as stephen douglas i came out as william. I went back in.

I came out as billy. I went back in. I came out as john jollof and i stayed this goes back to my. If you remind me, i'm like stop hearing this, but remind me about love, okay, love is on my list.

Okay, love is on my list. Love is on my lips, okay, so i didn't know until some time later, when i did a burst search, i didn't know there was such a thing as illegitimate human beings in america on the books. There was such a thing classified as illegitimate, classified as yeah documented, illegitimate human beings, illegitimate children become illegitimate, uh adults who are illegitimate human beings. Now it changed in america in 1970, there's no more a category of illegitimate human beings.

It changed in ireland and scotland in 1986 and 2015 in france. An illegitimate human being could not inherit couldn't get loans. Uh couldn't be baptized, there's a lot of things that illegitimate humanity can't i'm not talking about illegal aliens, no no, which are legitimate human beings. I'm talking about illegitimate human being like if you were given up for adoption or your something tragic happened to your parents.

There was no other loved ones and you were suddenly a you know a kid in a foster care facility. Well, my biological parents weren't married yeah. They got married, they they got pregnant. My biological father abandoned my mother and me and my mother couldn't keep me, and so she gave me up, but the point was they weren't married and so in america during those periods this period of time.

That would make me an illegitimate child. Now illegitimate children are not allowed to be placed in well-adjusted homes. So if you and your wife couldn't get pregnant, no fault of your own, you could not adopt me because i was illegitimate yeah. I didn't know any of this.

Yeah they changed it in the u.s 1980s, you've written 1979, 86, etc yeah in 2015, in france, so um, but in french they don't ever get married. So everybody's still, i was just thinking yeah yeah so anyway. So when i was a child, i would be teased that i was illegitimate. Yes, okay and uh.

I figured out somehow - and you tell me if i'm right or wrong, but i figured out somehow either with my adoptive family, helping me or just on my own, because i've been that kind of thinker all my life, that my biological father has a wife and he's Getting us he was a major actor in the golden era of hollywood. My mother was an actress. They had a holly romance, got pregnant and had me now he finds out that this young girl he gets pregnant 18 is pregnant. He leaves her abandons her and goes back to his wife.

Now, if there's anything illegitimate, it's their relationship right, it can't be me. What did i do right right? Do you think i have that that uh conclusion right? I think you do now. Okay, do you know who i see in my office - people that believe that they're illegitimate people who have got their story wrong got it? I got my story right, i'm legitimate yeah. Their relationship is illegitimate, yeah and that saved me from legitimizing myself at every turn.

Watches boats, cars, money all the stuff right, i saved myself all that struggle to legitimize myself, because i was legitimate from the beginning back to reference points back to negative negative self-confidence. If you never invite me back to your podcast, i am not going to say my mother gave up on me. Tom gave up on me exactly of course yeah and explain everything right and, and i'm telling you people who are listening to this broadcast and people. You shake hands with and do business with every day they have reference points they go to to explain and interpret all life events.

The part i want on instagram, i'm just letting my team know. This is how i, edit, by the way, live in the middle of the show. Yes right, but you see that's yes with a negative self-confidence. Yes, where's the confidence of your negativity come from right yeah and they wear like a badge of honor.

We all do. I. I don't like that's not a shame or a badge of shame, but meaning it's it's. They they're so committed to it and that's why, when you were saying talking about like confidence, we've got negative con confidence and we've got positive consciousness right everybody's as confident as everybody else right, everybody's confident.

The question is in what? What kind? What kind you have the negative cyber or the positive kind? So you said something in distress. I actually want to go a totally different direction. Oh you do. Why do you not believe in love, you're misrepresenting me? I do believe in love.

I just don't think it's! The big the big play that everybody makes it. What does that mean? Pop songs, singer, songs, poets, everybody is just love. Is my sister who wrote the rose says: love is a razor and makes your heart to bleed yeah. So this love thing is really misunderstood and the reason i mean i'm not going to answer it.

I'm going to give you insights, i believe in q, and i yes not q, a yes. I don't know what what's going on for some of the people out there. No, i'm not queuing, i i believe without, but i couldn't have it so i don't believe in answers or solutions. I believe in improvements right improvements right, because if you have an answer, you cannot improve upon an answer or solution yeah, but you can improve upon an improvement, yeah, okay, back to love, so in the orphanage and people who adopt children, do they love children? Sure sure? That's probably why they do what they do during those years when i'm living at the orphanage and being out back and back with different names, and all this was i loved yeah yeah did i belong? No, the number one psychological need in mankind is belonging being a part being a member being a member of something bigger than yourself.

That's the number one psychological need and therefore i think that people who didn't belong invented love. I got to come out here with something right, so i invent love yeah. My father doesn't see me and making the story yeah. My father doesn't see me divorce.

My mother divorces me. I get the perfunctory card, maybe every five years, and but i never see him, but i know in his own way. He loves me. I want to say dude you didn't fit in his program.

Yeah you don't belong. Any crisis of love is a crisis of belonging that interesting and therefore that's why divorce is so detrimental to people, because they no longer belong right right. So how do you so? It's not that you don't yeah. No, no love love! It's just yeah! You know, let's put it, but what are we really well like you talk about like human needs like what do we really want? We want to be a part of something we want to belong to something we want to be with people that are like us that we feel safe and comfortable to be vulnerable and to be strong and everything else under the sun down from newport beach.

All the way down here to be on your program, yes, for how much money uh, oh yeah, that's right! That's right! It costs you. It causes what was calling me. Yes, we belong to be a part of your life, be part of what you're doing down here. Yep, i want to be a part of that belonging.

Isn't that magical? I love you man. That was awesome, so so people want to belong yeah. How do we uh? How do so? The person listens right now. What? What is the i you have for the person that is sitting here listening right now and saying: okay, i have disconnected from belonging to a loved one to my spouse.

To you know: i've isolated myself. Essentially, how did they begin to to work themselves back into that state of belonging? I don't feel like we belong together. I don't feel like i belong to you. You belong to me.

I feel alienated. I feel like we've drifted, we've uncoupled, so the question is what would have to change? What would you need me to do or be yeah that i'm not yeah at this point? That would make you feel more that i'm a part of your life or you're a part of my life yeah. It's not what you could do it's. What could i do? Yeah start with you yeah, let's talk with them, uh bill mitchell, who i i know.

I've mentioned to you uh one of my great mentors. You know i've been married 28 years and there was a moment in our relationship, our marriage, when uh kath - and i like right after, like second kid - was born, stevo and - and you know just you're in that, like we're in unchartered territory, there was no. There was no like how do you do this? No, by the way, i started a new business in the middle of it all right, so so the belonging sense right, like i felt like the children, belonged to her and they kind of belonged to me - and i didn't you know like. I was in that state right and i remember thinking about bill and bill who's.

You know a mentor of mine, like you know, just someone that married for a long time had a wonderful relationship. Just i thought like what are the questions that bill would be asking himself right now and it was never outward. It was always inward and i forget, like the questions, but it was like what am i doing. That's creating the disconnect.

That's right right. What am i doing that's great to disconnect and then like what am i committed to and then what are the changes i need to make right and then how do i want to express that in a way to kathy in a way that she could hear it? Not from a defensive stance that i was like i'm doing this because it said like i'm feeling this and - and i remember like sharing it with her and just both of us just being like overwhelmed by just the honesty, the vulnerability of it. And that was the beginning like, and you know i mean obviously 28 years of marriage and, like you know you you swing in and out of, like deeper levels of connection but like that was a really significant moment that i still go back to now. It's in like evernote, so i've got it always in my notes.

Well, one of the questions is you know we were talking about. It's always an inside game, but one of the ways of asking yourself a question is to ask other people a question about right right. Where do you see i'm falling short yeah? Where, where am i at a distance? Where have i seem to put you as less of priority? That's the same question as if i ask it of myself many times. I can't understand it as clearly right as you watching and observing and being my partner yeah yeah in our partnership in business yeah.

Where am i falling short of the partnership we want to develop together? Where am i falling short? The timing on this is just so perfect, john. I'm about to go lead a two-day workshop and and uh help people make decisions about what they want to do for 2022 and beyond and create you know. Hopefully, a bigger expression of uh a north star would be the way i've described it like a true north star like and then you then you realize you have a thousand ups and downs and bumps along the way. But if you actually know where you're going yeah right, like that whole thing um, but it's really all about personal and professional development, the recognition that you know there's so much more in you.

The way give me the question again like is the life you're living? It's the life you're living the life that wants to live in you yeah, like that's a great question. It's you know, it's just there's, there's a part of us. There's bubbling there's a part of us, that's you know pushing and it's urging and all that, but we're like no, that's not who we are yeah. So there's another saying it's uh, i think buddhist.

Something and you've heard it many times and every time i hear it it makes me want to. I don't know it's not a good thing. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I break out every time i hear that yeah.

I don't like that yeah why it should have been said. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a map. Okay, you get out there a thousand miles and you go oh and an airplane right yeah. I turn 5000 miles.

You begin with the map and that's what you're doing that's fighting exactly you're picking them a map you want to get here. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Unfortunately, most of us were born with one point to draw from yep, and how do you know if that's a straight line? Yeah it isn't it's circuitous. It's wandering digressing contradicting yourself and that's life yeah, but we need coaches.

We need therapists. We need counselors to give us the map yeah, and sometimes the map is let's reconclude concede, so you can succeed and find out where your confidence comes from. What kind of confidence do you have and you're confident that confidence yeah one thing in one area of your life could be another and another, no one's a success or a failure, we're just all trying to get it together. So i ask people whenever i speak.

I said why are you here now, if they're answering it correctly, they'll say to find my way home? Why are you here to find my will? Why didn't you come sooner? That's our story! Yeah yeah! That's true! That's like the processor yeah. So that's our story. Why? We didn't come sooner, yeah why we didn't call you sooner. Why would you get on your program sooner yeah? That's our story! This was a a fun episode.

John. This is gon na, be one of those good luck. Man, listen man, you're good, live, i'm just i'm! I feel like i'm just the you know. I put the t down and put the ball hand to the club and bang um, but it you know it is every time i'm with you, i'm i'm infatuated.

I'm interested i'm very curious, like what's going on inside, that head of yours and the way you view the world and the way you're able to frame things. Um you're, a great teacher. I have a cork, you do have a cork, i got ta. I have a decent cork.

I like that. I, like that metaphor, i was like when you actually were talking about the bucket. I was actually thinking about um auditory anchors. You know like positive, bang, positive, bang, positive bang and then temperature is bang positive, right um.

But no i like that you're like no. It's like they're, all falling out of you right, you're, not able to let it stick clean that up yeah there's there was a lot uh. There was a lot in there all right. Well as we wrap this up.

I just want to say to all my friends out there listening we do. We do. I have to get ready to go to that event. Oh yeah! Yes, eventually, eventually, is there something else that you want to share.

There's a thousand more things. You want to share this. This actually felt like the beginning of a book. I know you're right, you've been flirting with or you've written three books.

You just haven't published anything. Yet um, what are you gon na talk about tomorrow with everybody, you guys all thought i was quitting and now we're going yeah. Well, i'm lecturing for six hours straight. This is a good warm-up and i'm going to talk about that digressing wandering journey called life and how marriages really expose us yeah.

You know, none of us are grown up, we're all growing up yeah, you know and we need a commitment. We need marriage, we need children, you think you're patient have children, you know you think you're, loving and tolerant, and all that get married because that commitment, if it's just girlfriend and boyfriend, we just abandon all this growth right, but because we're committed we have an estate And it's complicated and all that we stick with it. If we can get the help, if we can get the coaches, if we can get the counselors in there as a team part of the team, so i'm talking about growing up and not just growing old and we're going to talk about a lot of self-assessment and I'm sure there's a lot of things, i'm forgetting to tell you that we're going to be what's the six hours six-hour speech and you covered a lot of ground today, so good. Well, i'm sorry! I can't be there with you tomorrow because i'll be doing my own six hour version of something something, but i will see you again soon um.

I thank you for having me yeah. Everybody should just google him once and just like. Take take a peek, and you know i'm razzing him on like he needs to get on instagram and all that kind of stuff. But like he's there he's there, but we're gon na get his people right.

Brian. We need to get his people on this stuff. So my friend thank you yeah. I appreciate it all right, we're out guys.

Thank you. So much we'll see you soon. You.