Hey welcome back to the podcast i am so excited about. Today i have the legend john john joe leaf, also known as we were just talking about this a minute ago, uh, but we're doing something really special. It's episode. 150.

john, is a legendary therapist. We're actually going to do a live, instagram call-in show yeah. So john, i'm going to hit the live button as i like to jokingly. Call it if you want to live in the modern world and you want to be successful online, hey! What's up everybody, i have john hello, everyone, legendary therapist who's, going to spend some time with us today on our podcast, discussing some real issues and john.

What i like about today, i'm going to put this on me for all my peeps that are out there. That know we're actually going to let you ask questions for the people out there watching as a business coach, i spend all day long trying to figure out. Why is it that some people are wildly successful in whatever you want to call it, and other people aren't and one of the things that i've always identified is there is a percentage of people that just there's something blocking them? Their relationship is off, they're still upset at their parents. You know when they were four, they didn't get a pony and, and all of that shows up in their adult life right and - and i want to unpack some of that today - and there is no one better.

My friends on the planet than you to help us do that so huge amount of pressure. Well, no, you had lesson you live in this, so so would you share um, so people have context uh just a little bit of your backstory and specifically something you did for 15 years, which is what we're going to try and emulate today, but 15 years, oh Radio, yes, yes, i was syndicated on national radio for 15 years daily, yes, and then, when i finished here, i felt like i wasn't growing any longer and i went down to singapore, malaysia, indonesia and took on the asian mind. Yes, and i wanted to see how people are different, you know, and so uh yeah we used to get a thousand calls an hour and of that we screened down to 24 and of the 24. We got six or eight on on the uh on the air.

It was fabulous, so you forgot so for like 15 years, you were basically doing like micro therapy sessions. Well, do you you have a cell phone or is that your cell phone? This is yeah. It's my cell phone right here, okay! Well, i'm gon na do something i'll show you something: okay, all right! So we are live by the way from my friends that are listening or watching later and for my friends on instagram, i'm literally going to tee you up with a legendary therapist, you can we're gon na, like literally go live, and i can already see people are Lining up in the queue which is great um but go ahead. You're gon na you're gon na share something say: isn't most therapy 45 minutes 60 minutes right.

It seems to me coaching. I don't know how long your coaching is 28 to 30 minutes. Okay, twenty years. Yes, do you think it's possible to say something therapeutic and really help change lives in less than five minutes? Absolutely yes, okay, i'm gon na start! I'm gon na tell you a story.

Okay, and you tell me if it's therapeutic okay, i got a stopwatch here. So a lady calls, my radio show and she says she's terrified of bridges going over a bit. She'll drive eight miles around the bridge, rather than cross it yeah, and so i said well, are you also afraid of tall buildings? She says yes, terrified of tall buildings and bridges. I said.

Well, let me ask you something. I already have an answer for, but uh when's, the last time you fell off a tall building or a bridge and she says never yeah. I said: well, isn't it interesting you're afraid of something that's never happened happening. Why aren't you afraid of swallowing a fork yeah right, yeah, i said buried in what you're saying to me is a code, and so i want to ask you about the family of origin.

That's the powerful birthplace of attitudes and expectations when we talk about blocks and we talk about success, there's sometimes a hangover yeah a wound. So we'll talk about that in a moment i said, tell me about your uh. Tell me about your father. He says: well, he was a rage-a-holic given to anger.

Yeah. I said how do you explain his anger? He said. Well, he said. If i'd been quiet he wouldn't have been so angry.

I said: did you fall for that? She goes yeah. I think i did were you ever married. She was yeah, i married an alcoholic. Well, how did he explain his alcoholism? She said he said i drove him to drink, i said: did you fall for that? She says.

I think i did wait a minute. Do you think, i'm more afraid of falling for something rather than falling off of something i said well, do you describe yourself as naive and gullible, don't have a voice and she says yeah. That's me. I said if you'd gotten another therapist, they would driven you back and forth across the bridge.

Desensitizing you to heights and the real bone fragment would have remained underground. You need to learn to be assertive, find your voice and alike. Now i ask you: do you think? That's therapy, yes, do you think that's helpful growthful yeah i mean in the right direction. One thousand i mean i was actually were you guys doing the same thing i was doing.

I was like taking it in personally like what is that for me right. I was in the moment yeah, yes, okay, one minute and 55 seconds now i have to fill for uh 59 minutes. So what kind of car do you drive when you came here today? How you feeling have you ever been to hawaii right, i'm filling now right. You don't need that much time if you go for the dynamics.

People chase stories all the time. Okay, but there was a method there and, and so she says you know, i'm afraid of t and then you're like tell me about your family origin, well, see: here's here's the problem, most people chase stories and people don't understand that there's code in what we say: Yep and phobias are unreal fears, so we might have a fear of speaking in public. Maybe writing my sister's, a grammy gold records. Singer songwriter.

She got writer's block after she wrote the rose, and so i said well, you have to you have to understand who's. Looking over your shoulder yeah, so these phobias are unreal fears and if you could be afraid of what you really need to be afraid of, you wouldn't have to develop a phobia, stand in fear right so many times the things that block us from success or progressing In our lives, are these made-up unverifiable conflicts that if we could get underneath there may be a code in what we're saying there may be a truth. Oftentimes, the family of origins, not a place to blame people, but you're shaped for 20 years you're going to come out of there with certain right attitudes and ideas right. Okay, i got to turn over to the uh to the live, show here all right.

How many of you get what we're talking about here? I'm just curious right. So, yes, i got some people that are like making comments like wow, yes drunk monkey. Somebody just said the stories that we keep telling ourselves. So, let's see, if we have somebody live in here, really fast, i'm going to see.

If i can invite. Let's see, i don't know how, if i actually hey brian, i may need you over here buddy, because it says i can accept this is the dead part of the program yeah. This is the let's see okay. So how do i? Okay, so i'm brian in case you guys are wondering if this is a live show.

So, oh hey there we go hey you're, uh you're, literally in episode, 150 of the podcast tell them who you are and uh and let's fire away with a question. Um, i'm jesse ebner, i'm in crested, butte colorado. I have a horrible fear of uh starting exercise, which is ridiculous um. I just can't get started yeah, so she's got a horrible fear of starting to exercise right and why do you want to exercise to feel better? I know it'll help.

I know it's very popular, but we each have our own reason for going well, here's what i i think about so many things. I think we wait. Mistakenly. We wait for inspiration and motivation to do things whether it's start a new company, whether it's start exercising whether it's uh, whatever whatever it may be.

We wait for inspiration and motivation. That's a mistake. I think what you should do is figure out what the right thing to do is and then do it and what i've found is i've never worked out. I've never gone to the gym because i've inspired or motivated to do it, but i know it's the right thing to do so.

I do the right thing. I identify what the right thing to do is in every category. I do it and the motivation and inspiration to continue doing it arrives, but only after you engage don't wait for it ahead of time is working out. The right thing is working out the right thing.

All right, then just do it put it on the calendar. Do it and don't wait for inspiration and motivation? Okay, so got it so hold on. So now, john i'm going to throw in there it's funny tim, tim smith and everybody texting right now. It's fun so so john does does accountability.

Help does telling somebody what you're committed to you know like having a therapist having me showing up in the morning to my trainer there's just this weird thing. I will do more for him than i will for myself at times, not always, but at times right does that help or does it not? I think it always does. I think you know swimming all together, uh working out together running together. I think it's always a a better activity, because you you push each other and i think the idea of pushing each other is also a good thing, but, more importantly than that, you've got to find out in life.

What the right thing to do is and maybe getting weak at a glance, calendar and getting organized, but you keep putting it off because you're just not motivated to go the store and buy it and all that drive across town. What is the right thing to do in every category and put it on the calendar and do it and then the motivation, inspiration or other people will come alongside and now you can do all that together, but it's the it's the doing the right thing. That's the key okay. Does that make sense it does if it's not in your calendar, it doesn't exist right.

Uh, you've heard that before, but i'm gon na i'm gon na throw i'm gon na, throw one more thought at you too and john so ready. So i'm gon na i'm gon na play your co-therapist here, okay, um, like at the deeper level. What is it that's stopping you like what are you holding on to like? What's the what's the real story, do what i mean like we all everyone says they want to make their phone calls and do their work and you know be successful, but there's usually something they're. Holding on to that.

Maybe is like that little anchor john i'm just curious, like what are your thoughts on that when i was a teenager i would get. I would turn bright red anytime. I was exercising and my face just turned bright red and people would tease me and it stuck with me forever. I don't know why i'm a super confident person, i'm fine, but for some reason the last time have you been working out for a while.

Are you just starting um, i'm just my peloton gets delivered tomorrow, okay, so i'm just starting many times many times. People tell me that they don't want to go into the gym for the first month, they're out of shape. They don't look very good in their gym clothes, they're embarrassed if they can't lift the weights or do the distance. You know running or biking or all that so they're, a little intimidated, and so i say well well go at noon.

Go at one o'clock. Go at three o'clock in the morning but get going get started and i think you'll do just fine, but remember we can find all kinds of reasons why we don't do the right thing. The most important thing is: do the right thing and everything follows yep. Thank you.

I love colorado by the way. Yes, all right, cool we're gon na we're gon na keep going. I'm actually gon na ask a question about relationships yeah. So me, no, not you but lots of love to you.

Okay, so i don't know how to hang that up, so you have to hang that up so john first time, hang yourself up, hang yourself up! Somebody needs to figure that out. Okay, so, let's in case you guys are wondering this is a live, show all right. So so, john, when i think about um marriages and relationships and a big reason why people hire a therapist, someone like yourself, yeah um, it's not uh, i mean the numbers in newport beach, where you know where we both live. It's like 72 divorce rate, it's 60 in california, it's 50 in the us.

First of all, like i, i can hear comedians in my mind, saying. Why would you ever get married? Like you know, hey, come jump out of an airplane with a parachute. You have a 50 chance of making it or 72 percent of the time. People die right.

No one in the right mind would do it. I remember asking you: what are the reasons why most relationships fail like what is that cause like what? What are the five six ten things talk to us? I thought you were going to say. Another question is going to be: why do most marriages fail? Well, yes, that, okay - and this is a big difference - and this is why we need to understand this. There's a big difference between marriages and relationships.

I've been in private practice for 40 years. I was recently interviewed on television. They said how many consults was that in 40 years i said, i have no idea yeah. This will go the green room figure it out, and so i counted and figured out.

It's 96 000 consult wow. Okay in my 40 years and 96 000 consults i've. Never seen a marital problem say that again, john i've never seen a marital problem in over 40 years, never never treated one yeah, no one, no one. Everyone said what like? Could you guys? Do you hear what he just said? Yeah right.

Are you buying that waiting for the punchline and our producer waiting for the punchline? So what we have is we have relationship problems, one or more people many times people should be in individual therapy than couples therapy. I s so i was interviewed and they said. What's the top five marital problems today, and i said there isn't any yeah, they said well what about adultery? What about addiction? What about depression? What about abuse? What about those things yeah! I said those aren't marital problems. Those are individual problems that have marital repercussions.

People should be in individual work rather than making this a marital problem. You have a relationship problem and oftentimes i'll find that you know we're going to have to terminate your relationship in order to save your marriage, because this say that again, john you're going to have to terminate your relationship in order to save your marriage. We're going to have to find a new way of relating, so we can get to death to his part. This relationship is not going to travel.

Well, there's a lot to unpack in there, so the so so relationships marriages, don't fail. No, the individual's relationship to things their past, their life, their life experiences the way they view the world. What we bring into our relationships, the reputation we once talked about, that's right, so so, how does? How do you help the person that is listening right now? Who says but john you understand, like my spouse, complains about x or you know. I find why happening all the time and you've heard every scenario right: it's not enough sex.

It's you know it doesn't pay attention to me. It doesn't, you know, put the toothpaste, you know on the thing: every keeps the toilet seat up. It's all that stuff right. Where do you start with that person to help them create that breakthrough? So a partnership? Now this we're talking about mary's, but it could be a business partnership because it's the relationship in the partnership, regardless marriage or business.

One of the things i think is is critical is to understand how we contribute to the very wrongdoing against us. We are a co-conspirator. Ask that question again: john okay: how do we contribute to the very thing that we're dissatisfied with we're unhappy we're miserable in our partnership, whatever it is, and we we oftentimes point the finger and say well he's this and she's that and all this stuff. But the point is we're contributing so an example: you can have someone in the partnership, uh commit adultery and it looks like this is what we should focus on.

You know how could you do this to your marriage and your commitment and alike until we uncover that they both co-create, an environment where someone has to make a decision to either divorce suicide, cheating, some decisions going to have to be made because we co-create an environment Where decisions have to be made, and so what we do is we focus on the adulterer and we don't focus on the other issues that co-created that now the choice, the effect not the cause, the choice is on them right. Whatever you choose is on you yeah, but we co-create an environment. You can't have an improved relationship or partnership. Unless you ask the question: how am i co-creating an environment to where we have this problem between us yeah? How often do people get that in the first session? Well, the first session is always interesting.

People come in and they say do i have to tell you everything and i said no, please don't. Please don't tell me everything. What i want you to do is tell me everything. You don't want me to know, yeah, that's where all personal growth starts right.

Tell me what you don't want me to know. Yeah tell me what you think you're contributing to this failed relationship, but don't so many people walk in. Just blame. Blame blame, blame blame.

You know and and and they'll say you know, it's blame blame blade blaming. I don't have my part in this, but blame blame. Blame blame blame because anyone watching or listening right now i heard the same thing. We were talking about the hiring of an assistant uh, adding a salesperson to your team.

A client they're, like my client, is xyz abc and they forget, like you, have a role in that relationship with that buyer with that seller, whoever it may be. How do you get them to create the self-awareness to understand that, whether it's 50, 50 or 100, that they have a role in it and they can do something about it, that their change could create more change? So you were you're asking a question about success earlier in order to succeed at anything whether it's a relationship, marriage business. In order to succeed, you have to concede you're successful, as you are conceding success success and let's talk success for a moment. No one is successful.

We're usually successful in pockets, so you may be very successful in business and you may be failing at home or you may be very successful at home, but you fail in business. There's these pockets so we're not generally successful or generally a failure. We're specific and therefore any success you want to have in your life whether it is a partnership, a marriage working with your kids, maybe uh. I i can't remember the term, but when you friend up or you business up and you go for the bigger clients and things like that, you have to concede.

Before you can succeed, you were asking the lady in colorado. Can you concede what it is that stopped? You from going to the gym, can, can you admit something about yourself and she said yeah i get flushed yeah i get red and then i get embarrassed and then i get. I don't want to look the way. I look in the gym right yeah.

So we have to concede before we can succeed, and so, if we will talk about what we don't want, you to know there's a whole lot to impact there. So marriages don't fail. Individuals fail in their relationship, ability to yeah be in relationship. I can't hear you right: well, there's potential failure right, okay, i'm looking to see who wants to talk to us next.

Let's, let's talk about something in the relationship standpoint, so i'm just going to grab people randomly. I don't really know who or how brian i may need you in a second okay. Just got ta wait for them to accept um. 90.

000 hours. 96. 000 consults okay, 96. 000..

All right so introduce yourself to john hello. What's your name, i'm good! What's your name? Okay, oh yes, good! Where are you calling from uh from houston, texas? Oh houston, texas, welcome! What's your question: how can we help uh? Actually, i'm so sorry. I was just watching uh the the interview i didn't know. I didn't meant to interrupt it or ask a question.

I am so sorry, okay! Well, that's fine! That's perfect! That's fine callback was another one. We got you there, we're like hey, what's going on all right, so i don't know how to get rid of this, but i'm going to see if i do this and yes, people are like. Yes, i'm wondering if this is a live show. Yes, it is okay, so you got to kill it on your end, i believe, unless brian can come over here and remind me how to do it hang up on yourself.

I think i just did it nope all right, so, let's keep going, but so so john. I want to unpack this. How do i, how do i change my internal relationship to impact my relationship say it again? How do i change my so brian? You got to figure out how to do that. Real fast, yes, episode.

150. It's a live show, ladies and gentlemen, john. How do i so at least? Maybe maybe i'm missing the right word here. So if i want to improve my marriage or improve my relationship with whatever it may be, my partnership, my business partnership, excellent example um.

I have to acknowledge what i bring to it yup and how i what works and what doesn't. So what do you do? What do you do with a client uh that says well, okay, i kind of figured it out, but i don't know if i want to make that change like i. You know that that's my superpower, john, like that's what i do extraordinarily well and now you're asking me to change that yeah. How do i do that? Well, this is where people get confused.

They think they're resistant to change. Yeah people are not resistant change. Nobody resists change, it's a myth. I agree.

I think people love change, they love new cars persist with what's familiar and, if what's familiar, is undermining your relationship and partnership, it's not getting you the business that you really want to have. If there's something blocking you, it's probably your persistence and not your resistance to change you're, persisting with something that you're familiar better a known devil than an unknown saint right right, okay! So so all that makes sense to me. How do i then make the change? How do i like from a therapeutic standpoint? How do i go from okay? I recognize i'm running this pattern that doesn't work right. I'm running this play is the way i sort of talk about in business that doesn't work um.

How do i catch myself? How do i, if i said you, have you you've identified what doesn't work? Could you just give that to me? Please can you just hand that over to me yeah, because all change is really an exchange you're going to exchange this for that this, which is not working for that? Okay, so when people say to me, do you have one piece of advice that you could give everybody in the world? I said absolutely, what is it i'm not going to tell you? Oh yeah, that's the next show. No, yes, we'll! Okay, the one piece of advice you could give everybody in the world is seek to understand more than try to be understood. Yeah seek to understand, i don't understand what you're saying i don't like what you're saying, but i really don't understand what you're saying and when you seek to understand another. They usually reciprocate.

The idea of shut up and listen to me. Never works. No, no and there's a lot of ways. We say that not so directly, but it's intended listen to me.

I started the conversation. Let me finish and you never finish, yeah seek to understand more than try to be understood, very, very powerful. It i mean, i feel, like i've, heard, that in so many different ways right um. So so the question then becomes i'm trying to just continue to unpack this.

So so, if i'm seeking to understand and i'm in the middle of a a personal relationship issue that i'm bringing to my marriage, my business partnership, my you know my teammates, whatever it may be, and i'm acknowledging that there is this exchange of old for new yeah Um, how does how do you create the routine or the maybe the conversation like hey john any time? I do this, it's okay to catch me, because i'm trying to make this change for the betterment of our business partnership for the betterment of our our marriage relationship. What advice do you have there? Well, i was going to you said something i want to just hitchhike on so in the business of real estate. You know we have expertise and we get kind of all pumped up with our expertise and we want to kind of show off. So we go into a relationship we're trying to build by trying to impress.

Let me tell you just yeah no hold on hold on. Let me tell you about me: let me tell you about what i've done and i was like. I agree you're like no, i'm actually doing what i can yes and what i can do for you pitch pitch yeah. You know we're not seeking to understand yeah.

We don't know as much as we think we don't. We don't know enough about what they need. It's not just real estate, it's not a new home. It's not a new business.

There's something intrinsic! You were asking the question earlier, this girl in colorado. What do you think is really going on yeah? What do you think the real need is in terms of what you're looking to acquire? What what do you want this to accomplish? It's all those questions, yeah, it's not the presentation and that's why i say to people being a student is far more powerful than being a teacher. It's uh, it's al pacino in glengarry, glen ross, like all the other, you know, sort of you know hack sales, people pitching pitching pitching pitching pitching and him just do you guys remember the scene like he's just he's just at the bar having a conversation with the Guy having a drink and ends up, you know like he just was super curious about the individual and then just kept going down that path and the natural thing was hey: let's do some business together right so yeah like weird, maybe metaphor for somebody, because you know Some will have a negative connotation to that movie but like, but we are the instrument right and we've got to refine that instrument. We've got to smooth and it's only by understanding what we don't want to know.

It's only by uncovering the things that we're ashamed of or feel is a weakness and, let's accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative right and that's the wrong way to go about it. If you say that say that, again what what the old saying is accentuate the positive eliminate the negative yeah. If you want to really be powerful yeah, if you really want to succeed in life, you have to accentuate the negative. You have to explore the negative what it is about.

Yeah you, your style, what's happening. How are you in your way? What are you doing? What could you totally? I totally misinterpreted that i i felt like it was like amplify both and i was like yeah. I mean you're definitely going to find the people that, like you and the people, that don't like you but you're, not saying that you're saying just seek to understand it, seek to understand it. I'm not talking about talking about it, not yet parading your negativity around right.

No i'm talking about if you want personal growth focus on the negative, don't focus on the positives. Yeah focus on the negative dig that out it's a root canal. It's a cavity! It's it's something that needs to be exchanged yeah hand that in yep and let me hand you something better yeah. You know what's interesting, as you say that my mind goes to something that i hear a lot.

I mean you know you and i both know a lot of very successful people and - and you probably even more so because of just time on planet right, like um, i have met so many men and women that are the pinnacle of success, yeah and they are Miserable right, totally lacking joy, ecstasy, fun, uncertainty, variety, it's just right, super recommended and all the same uh. I bet there's someone listening right now. That is in that same space. What what do you ask them to get curious about? Well, i would say: don't overstate, don't overstate the issue, so i see some very successful people right.

It doesn't mean, or somehow have to admit, to being a failure to come to personal growth to come to right therapy or counseling, or what coaching or all that. What you have to recognize is that for all of your success and for all that you're accomplishing there's. This splinter there's this whatever it's one tooth, not the whole mouth, and we just have to focus on that one issue: that's all you have to do. Yeah focus on the one thing that you're not proud about.

You want it to be different and what we tend to do is compensate or ignore. So when i see people and the successful people, i try to always remember in myself. These are highly competent, highly successful people and and we're looking at one aspect of their life and don't contaminate that one aspect: don't don't think of that one aspect as defining you yeah right, but but if we typically, if the pattern is we compensate uh or ignore, As you said, which makes a ton of sense, i think we all have seen that pattern and probably run that pattern in some respect ourselves, um. If we, if we explore that - and we dig into it even if we don't like the answer, does that bring us more joy? Well, joy is kind of a byproduct.

I don't know that joy is you do what i mean like peace happiness you know. Well, i think, not at the first, it's like i've never really been joyful or happy in the weight room, so it's contact specifically later. Yes, you know yeah coming out of the shower, i'm going hey, there's some definition. I like this.

I may do this again yeah. So joy and happiness - and all of this are really byproducts. You know it's, it's really a byproduct of something else, yeah so many times. You know.

I was saying a moment ago that we need to be students rather than teachers. We all want to teach and help and minister and correct and train people and all that, but you have to be a student of yourself and of other people to really succeed. Yeah, okay. So let's talk a moment about uh, counseling and therapies as we're talking kind of yeah about that, and you could maybe throw coaching in there too and cool just because you know it's the same, they're all the same yeah.

It's all working with people, helping challenges and all that now, in order to be a good coach or uh accomplished, whatever you have to uh, you have to do your own work first, before you can help others, you can't you can't help people see and take them To places you haven't been, i can hear my mentor mike vance saying you simply cannot learn from experiences. You're not having like go, have more experiences, go, make more mistakes right like that, was basically what you're saying over and over again go make way more mistakes. Yeah was that the direction that's right? Well, you can. You can learn a lot from other people's knowledge, but you can never learn from somebody else's wisdom really yeah, because wisdom is knowledge plus experience right and you have to have the experience.

Yeah yeah and you have to kind of break you break yourself down and be broken. You know when you, when you really are at a point where you don't have anywhere to turn. You sometimes turn inside where the game of life is really played anyway. Yeah we get so focused on the outside, but it's really the inside game yeah.

So coaching, counseling and therapy use words used interchangeably, they're, very different. So if you're looking for one or the other, you should know what those are. A counselor is a teacher. Okay, the counselor is a teacher and you're the client or the patient's the student.

So if they'll shut up and listen to me, they may be helped. A therapist is just a reverse. The therapist is the student and the client or the patient is the teacher and, if all shut up and get out of the way, what they say to me is going to be more powerful than any of that. I think a coach goes between the two yeah.

I think that sometimes you're counseling teaching training and, i think, other times, you're a student and you're listening you're asking good questions, the better the question you know: yeah what, if the life you're living right now, what if the life you're living is not the life that Wants to live in you it's one of my favorite questions. It's a question. It's a big question. Do you guys hear that yeah for the people that are watching or listening right now, like the best is like looking over brian and ian like yeah thinking about that? So my friend thank you yeah.

I appreciate it and thank you for being a part of episode. 150. I can't wait to to see the comments and the just the feedback and maybe more questions, but the people that tried to ask us more questions there we'll get to it again we'll we definitely should do that again. That was fun live all right.

We're out guys. Thank you so much we'll see you soon. You.